Says God

And it came to pass that God visited the earth, and He did behold a series of billboard ads attributing to Him utterances of such banality that they would never pass His lips in a billion years. And it came to pass that God in His wrath considered a libel suit, but in the end opted simply to mount a cantankerous, self-contradictory ad campaign of His own...

I never said, "Thou shalt not think."
—God

Okay, you've got multiplying down. Now let's try replenishing for a while.
—God

I don't care who started it. Just stop it.
—God

If you seek to know my ways, read a science book.
—God

You'd better have stopped fighting by the time I get back, or you're all grounded.
—God

Six days? Yeah, right. I'm a scientist, not a magician.
—God

E=mc². Yeah, that's one of mine.
—God

The dinosaurs didn't believe in you either.
—God

Excuse me? Where do you see my name on the front of the Bible?
—God

Only six thousand years old? Oh, that's a good one.
—God

Just look at this planet! Do you expect me to clean this up?
—God

I love Marilyn Manson, too. Maybe more than I love you.
—God

Here's a clue—if they say they're doing it in my name, they're lying.
—God

I gave you a bigger brain for a reason. Start using it.
—God

Want to know how old the earth is? Ask the earth, not the Bible.
—God

If you don't clean this place up, you won't get another millennium.
—God

I don't blame video games when my children start shooting each other.
—God

I like to kick things off with a bang. A Big Bang.
—God

If you didn't hear it straight from my lips, take it with a grain of salt.
—God

All this will someday be your children's.
—God

There is no such thing as killing in my name.
—God

Stop smirking. I'm talking to you, too.
—God

Thanks to Ad Hoc and Karin!